I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
