I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
