I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
