This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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