First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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