I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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