In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
