My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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