He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
