I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
