I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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