I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
