He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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