My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
