my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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