i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
