Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
