wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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