Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
