i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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