Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
