Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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