I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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