I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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