We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
