Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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