FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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