I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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