your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
