Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize