Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
