So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
