look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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