I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
