Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
