Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
