Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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