You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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