I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
