you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
