I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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