Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Dear god my vagina.
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