then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
