So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
