Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
