she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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