did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
