I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
