He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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