I must be too annoying 4 u.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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