I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
