I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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