i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
