I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
