On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
