dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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