onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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