You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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