I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize