New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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