you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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