I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
