I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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