I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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