Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize